Cutting the Cords to Our Past to Propel Forward
It’s been far longer than I anticipated, planned, and hoped that I would go between blog posts. I even got married between the last post and now. For a long time, I thought that I would write everyday once I launched the “perfect blog site” so not launching it and spending time building it was my excuse to not write for about a year. Disappointing to me and hard to admit to you. Isn’t it crazy how we know what we want, what lights us up, and how we make excuses to not do it?
For me, spending time writing is like medicine for my soul - one of my personal oxygen first tanticts. I also believe it is part of my purpose in life. So what happened? Honestly, I let “busy” seep in. It’s one of my go-to drugs of choice right now. It’s similar to my old favorite drug called “overwhelm.” Oh, I also let perfection seep in. That’s another favorite of mine. I wanted each post to be timely and well written instead of by taking imperfect action and pushing publish. Another favorite drug - lack of support, but I have taken my own scaling advice and surrounded myself with a team who holds me accountable and keeps balls moving in my business and in my life. They would also help with my blog if I asked, so I can’t use that excuse. However, maybe I also need to hire someone that is good at editing. ??? Ack… look at me looking for another area of resistance so easily!
The thing I have learned is that behind our triggers there is this powerful thing called resistance. Sometimes we simply avoid what we know will help us to live our most joyful life. This is definitely part of the “avoidance” track I have been on. Other times, our triggers are trying to get our attention about something bigger that we need to address. And that is the case for me and my lack of posting lately (I have been writing and hoarding my thoughts, starting and never finishing, etc.” So what’s the elephant????
It’s about the past.
It’s about judgement.
It’s about the critics.
And it’s about not hurting people.
There, I wrote it. And now I feel like closing my laptop and claiming my favorite “busy.” But that won’t serve anyone. First, I need to back up a few steps in order to fully explain what this avoiding hurting people means to me. To start with, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and processing the past 6 months specifically about visibility.
I had a lot of curiosity over why I was so resistant to being visible, whether it was for my business, for the blog, or just in general. I went on a walk with my Obi, dug a little and had some very specific childhood memories and trauma about being visible. Quite frankly, it was shamed and not rewarded to shine (in my experience, whether this was real or true for anyone else). I remember a couple of different times when someone would mention how cute or pretty I was and the adults around me changed the subject, ignored the statement, didn’t reiterate it, so I read their body language and some kind of pathway was formed in my subconscious that being pretty, cute, or shining was shamed.
The other part of this avoidance to visibility is that it’s one of my hidden barriers to living in my true zone of genius. If you haven’t read the Big Leap, schedule the rest of your day off and dive into it!!! The audio version is only about 5 hours I think so just go for it. I swear, it will change your life.
The book is The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks and you can find it here.
One of the barriers to living in our true joy in the book is…
Hidden Barrier #4: The Fear of Outshining
This is me. This is probably my biggest fear (besides the obvious top three fears I have - lamas, weed whackers, and minivans… but DO NOT get me started on those or this rabbit hole will go to China). But the fear of outshining is a huge part of what I have to be brave enough to overcome and if I want to live the life of my dreams and I can think of countless times that it won the race and captured my joy.
As it turns out, the fear of outshining barrier is common among gifted and talented children. As Gay Hendricks says “this fear often emerges from a strong subliminal message they received from their families that if you shine too much, you’ll make others feel bad or look bad. Greater levels of success and happiness often trigger these fears, which cause us then to pull back to lower levels of fulfillment.”
The unconscious mantra of this fear is:
“I must not expand to my full success, because if I did I would outshine _____and make him or her look or feel bad.”
For me, this was that I would outshine my older brother and make him feel bad.
Wait a second…
Reading this fear makes it seem just as silly as my fears of lamas and weed whackers (though very real for me). I don’t actually, consciously think that if I am successful that my brother would feel shame. I actually think he’d be cheering.
The thing is that most of the issues we deal with in our adulthood are a part of our childhood blueprint, including traumas that were real or perceived. Our bodies don’t really know the difference.
So… how do I overcome this fear? I simply wave to it and acknowledge it and I push forward. I crush the resistance I have because it is not serving me - it is holding me back. I decided a few months ago to wave goodbye to my fear of outshining, so why is it still controlling me?
Because I need to cut the cords.
Amazingly, Gay Hendricks wrote a follow up book to the Big Leap called The Joy of Genius. One of the exercises he lists in it is to take a tennis ball, pencil or other object and to hold it in your hand tightly and then just release it. Drop it. Seriously, try it. The energy shift is amazing and the relief is profound. Now, imagine cutting cords to how you are worrying about what other people think or feel.
Newsflash - how other people act and feel about our actions is all theirs. It’s their choice. Their feelings, reactions, etc. are all theirs. I just wanted to put this out there in case you needed this gentle reminder.
I recently eloped on 4-3-21(yay) but for a long time I was worried about how everyone else would feel about it. But it was the desire of my heart to be on a sailboat, in Mexico, with my love and our children and to do this simply. The way I wanted. Wearing an emerald green sequined bikini, and do what I want. If this hurts other people, so be it. It was the desire of my heart to have a simple vow ceremony for our little family. I wanted this sacred moment and time for just us.
I am consciously working to cut my inner cords to how others act and how they feel. As all things do, this type of trigger or fear runs deep and takes a lot of work to unwind. I deeply love my family and the friends I grew up with, especially my Texas HCCS friends and family. I do not want to disappoint them. The truth is, this blog might do just that. My social posts might disappoint them. They might judge my lifestyle choices. They might unfriend me.
I grew up in an evangelical Christian environment that molded me, many times for the better and sometimes for the worse. It molded me just like being an athlete did and as I have aged I have taken pieces of it with me and left others behind. What serves us at one point in our life, doesn’t always serve us but does create foundations that we can always rely on… if we so choose. What I learned as an athlete I carry with me and continue to desire daily movement and healthy fuel in my life. The extreme side of it, well, I leave that behind. The core Christian values I was raised with are a deep part of who I am now, but the shame card that came with them, well, I am choosing to leave it behind. I refuse to hold to all of the black and white beliefs as my own and I feel liberated by this.
I no longer identify as an evangelical Christian and quite frankly I don’t go to church in person these days, nor do I plan to return any time in the near future. I have many reasons for this, but most simply it was that it wasn’t in alignment for me and my spiritual journey.
I do yoga now. I meditate. I pray. I CrossFit (which is a cult hehe). I read personal growth books, The Bible sometimes but not very often, and listen to podcasts and sometimes attend mass or online services. They are not exclusive of each other and none of them mean I do not have a relationship with God, which for now is something that I hold sacred and for me alone.
This blog may trigger people from my past who I will always hold close to my heart. I hold onto those individuals for who they were and who they are now because they are part of the deep roots connected to who I am today. I love watching the people I grew up with and seeing what they are doing with their lives. But, I need to cut the cord to my attachment to how they will feel about me if we have different political views, different ways of living our lives, different religious choices. We have lived very different lives at this point, but we do have a tangled web of our roots in common. I hold deeply in my core to our shared pasts and I honor it - for everything that it was and everything that it wasn’t.
This process will take time, it won’t happen overnight, and I just need to keep acknowledging it and pushing past it.
Going forward, I have it scheduled blogging on my work calendar because blocking time off works best for me to commit to something. I look at my calendar and it says “blog”, “client time”, “work out”and I stay committed. I know this doesn’t work for everyone, but it does for me. Other tips I use now; I turn on the same music or same 1st song when I write. It inspires me and puts me in a place I want to be. I also make a special drink - today it’s a cup of decaf coffee and I’m loving it. I also don’t think anyone reads this blog, so I’m not sure what I’m even worried about!
What cords do you need to cut in your life? I’d love to hear so I know I am not alone!
BIG LOVE,
