Curveballs - Part 1
Disclaimer: By no means am I a physician, so please do not take any medical advice or notes from me. I am simply sharing my story in hopes that it will inspire you to think about how your thoughts affect your current reality.
I will always look back on the summer of 2021 and think of baseball - so very much baseball. Yes, we did a lot of river trips, but baseball still won - we even played baseball on our river adventures. There was baseball in the park and baseball in the backyard, and baseball in the house that was continually shut down; “We don’t throw balls in this house!!!” On an almost daily basis, we had fun times with strangers, friends - new and old- at the park in our neighborhood. We also played wiffle ball and that turned into Blitz ball. Seriously, if you haven’t played that you are missing out. It’s a blast!!!
The boys were both eight and completely obsessed with all things baseball, especially Dominic. We had a constant buzz about the Dodgers and Mookie Betts “robbing” balls. The boys both became obsessed super fans sporting their matching hats and jerseys daily. Their appetites for learning about teams, the players and the rules were insatiable. Again, especially Dominic as he tends to become consumed with whatever he’s currently passionate about. He has used his technical mind to learn everything there is about every baseball pitch possible and he proceeds to explain them to us repeatedly.
Change-ups,
Sliders,
Knuckleballs
Sinkers,
Forkballs, and
Curveballs
I should have known this baseball theme was foretelling the major curveball life was about to hand us.
In August, on a river trip, I became suddenly ill and my body was unable to regulate its body temperature. I had a low grade fever and was shaking all over, for hours, and it was HOT outside. I was so COLD. My vision wasn’t normal and I was heavily confused. The next day, I was so fatigued I just laid down in the dirt, bugs and all, and went straight to sleep - repeatedly. It was like my body had no energy and things just weren’t firing.
In case you haven’t met me, I am high energy - always on the go and moving and vibrantly full of life… unless I am sick and then I just CRASH. For a bit, we thought maybe I was sick. Was it COVID? Was I fighting off something? Or was it the rope burn on my leg from CrossFit that looked a little infected? Was I suffering from heat stroke and did I just need some electrolytes?
The next day though, I felt normal again and back to my happy, alive self. We returned from the river trip and life seemed to return to normal… for 2.5 days, and then it happened again, but far worse and when I was home alone.
It was a Monday. I crushed my workout with my trainer, Joon, and then fueled myself with all the carbs and a protein shake. And then it hit, bam, the feeling of the weight of the world on my body, pressing me down to sleep. The cold hit a minute later and I was shaking all over again, unable to make it stop. It was terrifying. I quickly took a Tylenol in hopes it would help my body regulate its temperature because that’s what my doctor recommended on the river trip.
I decided to call the ambulance and right when I was trying to muster up the strength to get to my phone Shane came home. We decided to go to urgent care, which I don’t think I will EVER do again. What a nightmare that was… they couldn’t even do bloodwork or give me an IV and I needed both. But they sure did confirm that I did NOT have COVID.
I won’t bore you with all the details of that lame experience at Urgent Care, but the next day I saw my doctor (who had also been on our river trip!) and she started treating my leg for an infection because there was a lot of cellulitis around the wound. She sent me for bloodwork and cultures. I had a high C-reactive protein count and then more bloodwork was ordered and we’ve been doing this dance for awhile now.
At this point, what we know is I have a positive ANA and the arrows appear to point towards an autoimmune response. There’s been a lot of tests and I am on hydroxychloroquine - an immunomodulatory drug which if I understand correctly alters the way my immune system responds. Traditionally speaking, I do not like to take prescriptions and I go the natural path. I don’t even take Tylenol. But in this case, this feels right and I am going with that gut feeling and with the recommendations of the professionals.
I have had intense headaches. I experience phantom pains that attack all areas of my body. Joint pain. Bone pain. Brain fog. Brain delays. Memory challenges. Intense and heavy fatigue worse than 1st trimester pregnancy fatigue where I will just lay down and sleep on any surface, anywhere and at any time.
We’ve been in this holding pattern and I haven’t been ready to share - nor did I have the energy. This wait and see. This shock wave. This new reality of waiting to feel better and waiting to get into a rheumatologist, who I got to meet and see yesterday. All while worrying that another crash might suddenly hit me.
As the test results rolled in and I googled my way through them (I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS) I thought my goals were crushed. I am turning 40 soon and I had my sights set high! And suddenly, I thought life as we knew it was over. And guess what, in many ways it is! And I am deeply grateful for this reality. It means I have to put on my oxygen mask more than ever. I believe this is a part of my journey and a part of my next up level of stepping into the next version of me. This is a part of my healing and on accepting rest and support at a higher level than I ever have.
Part of this healing is the realization that I did nothing wrong.
I did nothing wrong.
Let me say that one time… I did nothing wrong.
My amazing Ayurvedic doctor, Ami Nathwani, said this to me during our last appointment and I instantly teared up. She then said “in fact you have done so much to prevent this and you’ve done everything right.” How long throughout my life have I thought things were my fault? What if I had done x, y and z that things would be different? Have I always thought I had all of the control over what happens to me physically? I had always thought that by taking good care of my body, eating healthy, working out, nurturing my soul, that I could avoid disease and illness. I thought self-care would keep me safe. And that, that was a lie. I have been doing things right, lots and lots of things right, and this is still my reality. And I did nothing wrong.
The kids are back in school now and summer is coming to a close. Our baseball obsession is still running strong and we have now added football for Sawyer. I am often fatigued and doing less than my normal and I am stepping into this realm of acceptance, which as Cheryl Strayed put it best, a small, quiet room.
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”
— Cheryl Strayed
I don’t have many answers, but I do know one thing for sure… more curveballs are coming in this thing we call life. And sinkers. And no matter what they are, it doesn’t mean I did anything wrong. And it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong if you have things like this going on. We have control over nothing, except our attitude and our thoughts. I am choosing to see this as an opportunity for a deep healing I have needed most of my life. This healing will take me to the next level and for that, I am excited!
