The Art of Asking
I had major hip surgery (hip labrum reconstruction and femur/hip sculpting with the amazing Dr. White in Denver, CO) in May of 2017, which now feels like a lifetime ago. Or eight lifetimes ago. My life looks and feels and simply is COMPLETELY different now. It was a time of intense healing, emotionally and physically and I have carried remarkable momentum and countless lessons from that time. This time in my life was so transformative I think of my life as “before” hip surgery and “after” surgery.
The physical pain / healing was exceptionally intense and that pain served to teach me how to tap into what drains my energy, what serves me and what is worth my time and effort. It reduced me to the bare-bones of what I could and would tolerate, both physically, mentally and emotionally. It paved the way for me to set boundaries that served me, and to hold those boundaries with grace instead of grit. During the intense part of the healing, which lasted for a year, I developed a deep level of clarity that was ever present. It told me whether or not something, or someone, was healthy for me or aligned with my values and needs. I let go of a lot of trauma during that time, a lot of people and a lot of stuff that didn’t serve me. Powerful stuff.
During that time, I read The Art of Asking, by Amanda Palmer. It remains to be one of the most transformative, surprising books I have ever read (and I read a lot so that’s a big feat). The takeaway is that it not only serves us, but serves others when we ask for the support we need. It is an equal exchange of energy. Read that last sentence, again, for effect. It is an equal exchange of energy to receive support and to give support. This art, well, was wildly uncomfortable and my deeply independent spirit said it was bullshit. Why?
It felt vulnerable. Far too vulnerable.
Too many people had not shown up for me.
I didn’t trust that anyone ever would.
Independence was reliable. Support was NOT.
The reality was that I was a single mom - a solo parent to a four-year old little boy. The hip surgery had been catapulted by my desire and need to heal - physically, mentally and emotionally. I had just left my job at a local rocket engine test facility after pouring my heart, soul, life and time into it for 2 plus years. I had just experienced an unimaginable betrayal from a man I thought I dearly loved; it was a relationship that didn’t serve me, or the deepest desires of my heart for Dominic and myself. However, the betrayal, his ghosting and disappearance overnight (we technically never broke up) was painful and helped me see the need to finally work with a therapist. I was the common denominator to picking men who were not a good fit for our life. When I write my memoir, I will very likely detail the gory details of the job ending and the betrayal from this man. For now, the point is to share with you where I was in my journey to heal.
I desired to heal. On a deep level in every way possible - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I started seeing a therapist. I read every Brene Brown book ever written. I recognized that I had ignored the physical pain in my hip for so long that I could now barely walk, and walking up stairs was excruciating. When I would run, my hip would lock up until it “popped it back out.” I’m sure that my heart did the same thing if I had to theorize - popping in and out of place and locking up, unlocking and then running again. I also started to read about these things we call “boundaries.” My mind was blown. I knew that a big part of healing internally meant I had to do something major for me - hip surgery. Go under the knife. It might have been easier to stick with the therapy, but it wouldn’t have been nearly as effective. I really started to realized the number one thing I needed was clarity, because with that came boundaries that served my needs and desires.
In a moment with my therapist, she encouraged me to ask for support and that I would need support after my surgery. Her advice: give people the opportunity to show up for you. Give them that gift. This was the only way to break the pattern I had learned through my life that people do not show up for you. The pattern that people will abandon you, and let’s be real, many people had just “abandoned” me again in recent weeks and months, thus making the story I told myself true. The “story” I told myself that kept repeating itself because I was responsible for re-writing it into a new narrative - one that said: people will support you. Many people will be blessed to support you.
I asked for support and friends and family (even my ex-husband) showed up for me in ways I could have never imagined. I couldn’t walk for 6 weeks and needed help in every way possible. Driving. Taking care of Dominic. Getting groceries. Doing the laundry. I needed rides to and from physical therapy. One day, my house smelled so badly I even called my neighbor to come over and help me find the rotting black beans in the fridge.
I am still asking for support. It is still uncomfortable. Not as much as it was, but it is not second nature to me. It’s funny because I teach this skill to entrepreneurs so that they will learn to ask for support, accept it and delegate tasks to streamline their work and personal lives. In many ways, giving ourselves oxygen first is fueled by asking for support and truly receiving it.
I am wildly stepping into this even more lately (4 years later) and I want to share with you a few of the things that I have done to reach out and ask for support. I have been stepping into this entrepreneur life where I am essentially building an airplane while flying it. Money is no longer consistent and predictable, which adds another twist and turn to asking for support and hiring a team to scale my own business. However, I keep asking myself: what is the desire of my heart? What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail? Once I have this clarity, I dive off of the cliff and I go for it, even if it involves money. Even if it is wildly uncomfortable (almost every time I want to vomit and poop my pants). Here’s a few of the things I am doing currently:
I have hired two virtual assistants to help me with the things I knew could be delegated. They are now a part of my team and it is helping me to truly grow my business. I’m working smarter, not harder.
I am allowing myself to prioritize my backburner projects. This includes hiring a lawyer to draft a will, a medical power of attorney and all of those fun adult things that have been on my list for too long, thus taking my energy simply by not doing them.
Organizing my new home. Moving in with Shane and Sawyer means I moved into a space that was already decorated and filled. What did I do? I asked for help and found the most amazing organizer (guest blog post is coming).
I am working out with a personal trainer 2x per week and have been since November. This is a commitment I made to myself to only do for a month, but I found that spending this kind of money on myself pushes me to make even more money in my business. It’s a really interesting exchange of energy to invest in what sets my soul on fire!
I hired a cleaning lady to come every week. I can’t even begin to describe how much energy it frees up for me to know the house will be cleaned so I can focus on work and being a mom.
I am working with a therapist again AND a life/business coach. I have an entire community of women supporting me and helping me to do what I say I am going to do. Sometimes this is quite irritating, but ultimately, it leads to growth and more joy!
What’s next:
I’m going to reach out for support to dial in my nutrition so that I can meet my body composition goals. Simply telling you this makes me what to vomit!
I’m getting back in the airplane. I will need a world of support to do this!
Have you ever asked yourself these questions? What is the desire of my heart? What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail? What support would I receive if I allowed myself to open up to the realm of possibilities?
BIG LOVE,
